Like all women, I am drawn to love. I love watching sappy romance movies and reading the novels. I love romance in every form. Since I was a little girl, I was enchanted by Disney’s romances like Pocahontas, Aladdin, and Cinderella. And brought this into my awkward teenage years already having expectations into what love should be like. I dreamed about my prince charming, what qualities I would want in my future special someone. It wasn’t until college that I had my first real heart break and my first real relationship. Since then God has showed me a lot about what love is meant to be and taught be a lot about how to love. So here are the basics on what He has taught me so far just from studying and reading His word.
Love. The one emotion that can make your heart beat so fast and break it. The most misconstrued emotion, the most confusing one, and the most worthwhile one. Could it be there was a certain way we were created to love? A model for love? Could it be that our Creator had envisioned not only how we would come to existence, live, breathe, eat, sleep, meet our loved one, fall in love, get married, and even have sex? Yes, there was an original plan.
“The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:18-24).
One Flesh. One body. One heart. One mind. One spirit. That is how strong the martial bond is meant to be. Not the flimsy cheap shot gun marriages or self-seeking marriages of today’s world. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Mark 10:6-9). The marriage bond is meant to be FOREVER. For man was created in God’s image and was also meant to love like God—— or at least try. What is God’s love like? God’s love is unchanging, unfailing, complete, honoring, selfless, utter devotion…. The list could go on and on, but God does give us examples of how we are to love one another. “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us” (1 John 4:9-12).
The first and most important one is Jesus’ love for the church. In fact, that is how marriage is supposed to be modeled. In a sermon by my college pastor, he says that in marriage, the man is suppose to be willing to die for his wife, as the wife is to live for her husband. Just as Jesus died to save us, and how we should be living for Him.
“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:22-33).
He also lists out what love IS in the bible.
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:1-13).
Why marriage? Why even get married? Because since the fall of humanity from the Garden of Eden, we are sinful beings who sometimes cannot control our desires—- especially the sexual ones. So it is better to get married so we can fulfill those desires within a marriage where it is holy and pure.
“Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:1-11).
Now that they are married, can a couple engage in any sexual behavior? What is sinful and what is not? It is surprising to know that most any sexual behavior between a husband and a wife, male and female, is condoned by the bible. But it must be between solely the husband and wife. “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4). Otherwise all things like oral sex and anal sex and just regular intercourse are prohibited by the bible, but allowed within marriage. In fact, married couples are encouraged to have as much sex as possible, except while doing their own duties and responsibilities like praying and working as evidenced by the verse from 1 Corinthians about “Do not deprive yourselves except by mutual consent.” God knows what he created, He knows that we are sexual beings and He created us that way. In a Christian book for married couples, one for men and one for women, the book “For Women Only” has a whole chapter dedicated to why husbands need to be sexually wanted by their wives. Sex indeed fills an emotional need for men. One so powerful that men cannot feel completely loved without it. In fact, men want to be desired and needed sexually by their wives. In a survey, 66% of men said that this is very important to them, and another 31% said that it is somewhat important. He wants to sexually satisfy you. In another survey, the questions was, “ Imagine that your wife offers all the sex that you want, but does it reluctantly or simply to accommodate your sexual needs. Will you be sexually satisfied? 74% of men said no. In marriage, it is each spouses’ duty to sexually satisfy their partner.
Now that was the happily ever after, how about the meeting, falling in love, dating, courting, engagement, and all the steps in between? What to do then? God also has the answers for you. But before we delve into the story and the teachings and research, lets take another look at what the world teaches us about love and sex everyday. The world teaches us that love is a burning passion, lustful, intense, love at first sight then get married and happily ever after type of deal. That it is okay to fall into your emotions and go with the flow, engage in hot make out sessions, getting to second base, heavy petting, and then finally the deed. The media bombards us with all these images of sex and pornography and nudity because they know it stimulates an inner sexual being within all of us. Sex is good. But in the right context. But what it doesn’t tell you amongst all the shouting of how pleasurable it all is and how it ruins you. Sure it is instant gratification, but it spiritually, emotionally, physically ruins you. It ruins you for yourself and your purity that is ordained by God, and for your future spouse because having multiple sex partners makes you lose your ability to make that close bond with your future spouse. When you have sex, the body releases hormones. One of these hormones is called oxytocin, another is called vasopressin. Oxytocin is the reason we are meant to bond for life. “Oxytocin is a powerful hormone released by men and women during orgasm. It probably deepens the feelings of attachment and makes couples feel much closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes” (youramazingbrain.com). Vasopressin works the same way, which leads to long-term commitment. Take a finding of the Prairie Vole. It is one of the 3% of monogamous animals on this earth, which by the way should include humans.
“The results were surprising. For a start, a relatively small area of the human brain is active in love, compared with that involved in, say, ordinary friendship. “It is fascinating to reflect”, the pair conclude, “that the face that launched a thousand ships should have done so through such a limited expanse of cortex.” The second surprise was that the brain areas active in love are different from the areas activated in other emotional states, such as fear and anger. Parts of the brain that are love-bitten include the one responsible for gut feelings, and the ones which generate the euphoria induced by drugs such as cocaine. So the brains of people deeply in love do not look like those of people experiencing strong emotions, but instead like those of people snorting coke. Love, in other words, uses the neural mechanisms that are activated during the process of addiction. “We are literally addicted to love,” Dr Young observes. Like the prairie voles.”
Women especially are hurt by this because God made it so their bodies release a chemical that bonds them to their sex partner, which gets weaker the more sex partners you have. This leads to more chance of infidelity for both parties in their future marriages. When they break up, the woman will feel a deep sense of loss and becomes an emotional wreck because she has formed a deep emotional, physical, and chemical bone to the person. Prarie Voles aren’t the only ones that have sex for the pleasure of it. Dolphins are also one of the few animals that have sex because of the pleasure of it. Men and women have sex for different reasons. Men give love to get sex. Women give sex to get love. So when a girl gives sex, the guy—if without the marriage commitment—- will become less interested because guys are all about the chase. Sex is the most intimate way a person can share themselves. One statistic says that a teenage relationship will end in less than four weeks, on average, after you bring sex into it. Another reason why it is best not to engage in premarital sex. The church constantly advocates chastity, abstinence, and saying no to sex before marriage but they rarely say why or give good reasons not to other than…. “its forbidden, or it’s a sin, or God is watching you!”
One good reason is because you don’t want to contract any of the twenty-five or more STDs or STIs. Another reason why is because God wants you to value your body and your purity because you are valuable and not to be a cheap date or someone that some else is allowed to violate after they get you drunk. Casual sex is never casual. Sex changes you and it affects you on the inside and out. Sex has its place and it is within marriage. Because sex does require commitment and it does make babies. Think its not going to happen to you? Think again. One third of every woman gets pregnant before the age of 20. A study of 18 to 23 year olds have found that 83% of them have already had sex. Nearly one out of every two high school students is sexually active. There was a map of teen sexual behavior done at a high school in the Midwest and they found a chain of 288 one-to-one sexual encounters. So the person at the end may have had sex with only one person but had indirect contact with 286 others. Sexually active girls are three times more likely to be depressed than are girls who are not sexually active; sexually active boys are more than twice as likely to be depressed that those who are not. Sexually active girls are nearly three times more likely to attempt suicide than girls who are not sexually active; sexually active boys are eight times more likely to attempt suicide than are boys who are not. Sex in an of itself is not a sin. But illegitimate sex is. Married couples who have stayed true to saving themselves can have all the sex they want without having to worry about STDs or STIs. Perhaps STDs and STIs are there to warn us about the dangers of having sex outside of marriage. Other arguments for pro premarital sex are that it is good practice and you can impress your partner. What would be more romantic to say, “Oh honey don’t worry I’ll really please you tonight. I’ve been practicing having raunchy steamy hot sex with countless men and giving orals to anyone just for tonight!” Or “Oh Honey, I’ve been waiting and saving myself for this night. I’ve kept myself pure and focused on God till He brought us to this moment.” Obviously the latter. Also you shouldn’t practice on anyone other than your spouse. It should be a learning experience for the both of you. Also just because everyone else is doing it or it looks cool, masks the pain and complications sex really brings. And just because people are getting married later doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t learn to control your sexual desires until then, its more rewarding that way.
So how to have a Godly romance? The best thing is starting with brotherly and sisterly fellowship, then friendship. Friendship is truly the best foundation for any relationship. You get to know each other in a nonthreatening or pressuring way. Where you can really examine each other’s traits. See if you both are compatible with one another. Where your futures line up and how God may be moving in your relationship. For many teens and young adults, friendship is really all they really need because it provides the relationship that they crave, without getting too serious because they simply aren’t truly ready for a serious relationship at the age of 16, preparing for marriage. And it stops them from being tempted physically when their hormones are at their most unstable. Everyone who has been a teenager has known what that was like.
Ideally, I wish my first real encounter with a guy was just friendship and then developed into a relationship. Unfortunately, like many of the love-craving girls on campus, I fell into a physical encounter before friendship. And it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I had never felt more degraded than anything else. I had exchanged a physical touch for hopes of love but instead got shame and sin instead. And it took a while to fully forgive myself and heal. But God had a bigger plan for me. The next semester, I’d find that friendship and true romantic love that I’d dreamed about. We had actually met the semester before when that other event happened, but never really got close or had any opportunities to grow close to each other. And it would be the next semester that God would provide the opportunity. From strangers, to acquaintances, to brother and sister in the faith, to friends, to close friends, to romantic interests, to boyfriend and girlfriend. We like to think that we took our relationship really slow. And it was in respect to many of the relationships around us and on the media. A very God scripted and blessing relationship. Although not totally pure, we tried our best to maintain boundaries. But like everyone else, we could have always done better.
The first step after close friendship, to dating, is to be open and talk about boundaries. Set physical boundaries right away. Its harder once you have crossed them. That was the first piece of advice older couples gave us. The second was try to NEVER be alone—that reduces the temptation to almost zero. This was the one where we fell short and often were alone with one another yet were able to keep the boundaries we had set relatively. Then keep up your commitments to your studies, work, and especially to God. Constantly ask Him for His blessing in your relationship and be praying for the other person. Keep your friends and family involved. Always remember that your body and purity is a gift from God and to guard your heart and your purity even within a relationship. It should not be until marriage when you fully surrender that to each other. Sex within marriage is a beautiful gift. It was meant and created to be beautiful and pleasurable. God could have made the act painful or as non-romantic as a sneeze but He chose to make it a process that is a sign of a marriage covenant. In the bible, covenants are sealed with blood, much like how when a virgin bleeds with the break of her hymen as a symbol of her marriage covenant to her husband.
Keeping your purity is of utmost importance before marriage. Purity in mind, body, heart, and spirit. It is the most beautiful experience to share your first kiss before God at the altar and to consummate your marriage under God’s covenant of marriage with both of your both sexually pure and whole. It is said not to arouse love before it is ready. When you give of your heart or your body, you are giving away parts of yourself that were meant solely for your spouse alone. So to be able to give yourself wholly to them is the most fulfilling experience for the one you love. You have no business practicing on anyone other than your spouse and the awkward beginner sex is a blessing when you both are exploring each other and the process itself. It is so much more magical to wait for marriage than to waste it all on impulses before hand. What will make the honeymoon special then if you already ruined the surprise or the gift? You also don’t have to worry about comparing your spouse or your spouse comparing you to previous sexual partners. Many couples who have waited, do not regret it one bit. They say they never came out of their hotel rooms during the honeymoon. If you have already had sex, it is not too late to reclaim a second purity in Christ and spiritually. Many people already have and though it is not as blessing as virgin purity, it is still quite a blessing and God honoring.
Now to courtship and engagement. Courtship is different from dating because in courtship you have a clear goal of marriage. You also involve your family and friends more than a dating relationship, you have more accountability and may have an accountability couple who will help guide you along the way, and may have pre-engagement counseling. Most advice is to keep physical closeness and growth to a minimum. The focus during courtship is to become spiritually one. During engagement, the focus is to become emotionally one. And during marriage, to become physically one. After courtship, the next stage up is engagement, and then marriage. Always seek advice, counseling, and accountability heavily for every stage. The more consult you have the great your success will be. This is one area that many people encourage and say that they did not have enough of. When we finally started dating, we really didn’t have much accountability, which could have been one of our downfalls. If we were to redo it, we definitely would have consulted more and made sure to get more accountability. Considering entering into courtship, we have started meeting up with different couples to gain their input, advice, and experiences on how to do things right and learn from their mistakes.
Marriage and Sex is a beautiful gift from God. It is not to be taken lightly but to be cherished with the most praiseful and grateful heart. There are many reasons to save sex for marriage and why it is so essential in order to retain our purity in mind, body, heart, and spirit. Our bodies are holy temples that house the Holy Spirit and were not because to be used immorally as premarital, homosexual, and adulterous sex demands. If you would like your love story to be written by God, take the steps necessary to foster a God honoring relationship, so that you too will experience the ecstasy of a God blessed marriage and sex life. Remember that also singleness is a period of your life that is gifted by God and a time to learn self-control and patience— qualities of God’s love. Love purely, selflessly, and wholly. God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy.
AVERAGE WEEK THIS SEMESTER:
